Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Another illustrious moment in Sportsthink history.

I'd meant to comment on this yesterday, but I got sidetracked. I don't know how many of you watched Monday night's unwatchable contest between the Minnesota Vikings and the Chicago Bears, who were presented to us as a pair of professional football teams; I'm reserving judgment. This is especially true of the Bears, who'd gone to their third different quarterback, Kyle Orton, in an effort to revitalize their prevent-offense. (Word is, next week they're starting the towel boy.) Though Minnesota's QB, Tavaris Jackson, can't really run a team, either, he's an improvement over Orton, because he is much better at running away from people before throwing a terrible pass to a receiver he shouldn't have thrown to in the first place.

But I digress. Early in the third quarter of a game that had been less entertaining than catching an occasional glimpse of fans in their Viking get-ups, Minnesota scored on a never-any-doubt goal-line run by their sensational rookie, Adrian Peterson (not to be confused with Chicago's running back, Adrian Peterson*); the run followed an exciting 71-yard pass play that finally gave the hometown crowd a reason to peer out from under those asinine helmets. The Bears then got the ball and couldn't do a thing; the Vikings' defense swarmed all over them. At this point, of course, the dutifully sportsthinking ESPN broadcast crew began to rhapsodize about Minnesota's sudden "energy," and how "momentum" was clearly on the Vikings' side. The Bears were forced to punt. Everybody in the booth expected the Vikes to seize control of the game and never look back.

And then, on the very first play from scrimmage after getting the ball again, Minnesota's Jackson performed his specialty: throwing another terrible pass to a receiver he shouldn't have thrown to in the first place. It got intercepted.

And I thought: Huh...I wonder where all that momentum and energy went, so suddenly....

* For those who don't follow football, that's not a joke or a misprint. Each team has a running back named Adrian Peterson. Minnesota's got the good one.


Steven Sashen said...

I know what I'm getting you for Kwanzmaskah, a Physics-to-Sports translation dictionary. In it you'll discover things like:

Momentum -- Physics: the mass times the velocity of an object. See also "inertia", for which momentum is often mistaken. Sports: A non-existent pattern of movement, observed most often by former athletes when their view is obscured by a microphone and when under pressure to say SOMETHING about a recent and meaningless event.

Energy: -- Physics: the capacity of an object to do or engage in work. Sports: A magical quality attributed to an object that allows it to defy all known laws of physics... until it stops.

If you tell me when your birthday is, I'll get you the Physics-to-Stock-Market dictionary, where you'll discover things like:

Chaos Theory -- Physics: The study of how small actions relate in a non-linear fashion to large effects. Stock Market: How nervous retirees in Japan, who know nothing about economics, have the power to instantly make Apple stock go through the roof.

Steve Salerno said...

Steven: It might be a tad lowbrow for you, but going strictly on the basis of your last graph, I strongly recommend that you obtain a copy of Dave Barry's book, Money Secrets, wherein you should read in particular his chapter called "How the Economy Works." If you don't end up ROFL, as my college students might put it (except I mean it literally), then you have no comedic soul.

Cosmic Connie said...

Dave Barry lowbrow? Maybe so, but I still think he'd make a better president than... well, you know.

And he would be a far better self-help guru than just about anyone I can think of.

PS ~ Steve, even though I rarely comment on your Sportsthink posts, I still think that your chapter about Sportsthink, "Ya Gotta Want It!", is one of the best ones in SHAM.