Monday, July 28, 2008

'Win a boob job!'

Well, folks, I have now been in Vegas for two weeks, and I can truthfully say that if I see one more woman with a 40-inch bust that provides shade for a 20-inch waist, I'm going to find my way to the MGM Grand and personally tear out Roy's throat again.* On a related, um, front, there's the whole cleavage thing. I apologize in advance for being somewhat coarser than I've historically been on SHAMblog, but I wish someone would tell me what it is in the first place that makes it "attractive" for a woman to flounce around with the equivalent of a gigantic bulging ass-crack in the middle of her chest. What's especially galling is that most of this bustiness and decolletage is manmade—clearly, laughably manmade at that. You see these babes at the pool, filling their bikini tops with what look more like fleshy cantaloupes than actual human breasts. Some of them even sport incision scars that refuse to tan.

I've been all over this great land, and have even spent considerable time in Hollywood, and I can tell you that Las Vegas is, unequivocally, Silicone Valley. The climate is perfectly captured in the headline I chose for this post, which is in fact a current promotion at one of the Strip's hottest clubs, the CatHouse. (A second club, the Forty Deuce, recently announced the debut of "Silicone Sundays!") And, the capper: This Look, as it were, is almost always topped off by—need I say it?—that ridiculous mane of lifeless, doll-like blonde hair that so many women of that ilk apparently think is necessary to give the full effect.

But I'll give credit where credit is due: It definitely does give the full effect.

We've touched on this topic before, and I repeat that I don't understand the compulsion to be, or at least look, unreal (or maybe surreal is the proper word here). Are cookie-cutter Barbie Doll dimensions really the male ideal? Not this male. To me, there is very little that's more lovely than a smallish, nicely shaped female breast (as per art). In any case, if the look is storebought—if you have to become something you're not in order to feel "whole"—then how can you possibly take pride in that? (Do such women not see the irony of abandoning their true Self in the pursuit of self-esteem?) It's like guys who roar off the line in their new Vettes, then look around at the next stoplight to see who noticed them. Where's the personal payoff in such behavior? It's not like they built the damn thing, for crissake! They just bought it (or, increasingly, leased it). Nor did they have to endure a long and arduous apprenticeship in which they gradually mastered the skills necessary to drive at neck-snapping speeds;
anybody who can scrape together enough money for the drive-off is instantly capable of acting like a juvenile a-hole, as soon as Experian pronounces him fiscally fit.

I sometimes get criticized for overreaching, for trying to find deep global meaning in the likes of boob jobs...but see, this is really the problem with so-called self-help in a nutshell (and also goes a long way toward explaining why the self-help we presently have is the only self-help that could've viably emerged in our culture, which, for all the hoopla about individuality and self-expression, doesn't really honor or even value The Individual. In reality American culture represents The Cult of the Ideal, or the so-called Ideal). Like that seminal self-help book, I'm OK, You're OK,** SHAMland generally sends the message that you're not OK, that in order to "work on yourself," you pretty much have to scrap yourself and become something else, some mass, generic something that can be summarized in "7 Keys" or "10 Steps." (Or two giant, fake breasts.)

And apart from all the billions wasted on useless and/or counterproductive therapy, I just find that very sad.

* I don't know what one thing has to do with the other, either, but it seemed like a reasonable Vegas reference.
** which I discuss early in SHAM.


RevRon's Rants said...

Steve - Beyond the instinctive attraction of males to females who appear well-equipped for childbirth (and, by extension, nursing), I think that a significant part of guys' fascination with large breasts is actually part of their self-identification rituals. Guys make a big deal (no pun intended) about large breasts because they think they're *supposed* to do so. Y'know... it's one of those "guy rules."

What really amazes me is how so many males are drawn to females who - in a purely Darwinist perspective - certainly don't represent potential improvement in the gene pool. Cute, but dumber than a bag of hammers might attract a male with delusions of knighthood, but hardly represents the ultimate in human evolution.

Of course, this perspective comes from an an admitted aficionado of the female legs and derriere!

Steve Salerno said...

I hear ya, Rev--on the legs/derriere parlay as well as on the immortal Dumbness Question. To me, nothing kills a sex-buzz faster than the sudden, unexpected appearance of the Chrissy Syndrome. (Think: Three's Company.) Alas, clearly we're in the minority.

On the other hand, we ought not lose sight of that familiar biblical wisdom about the meek inheriting the earth; perhaps it was God's plan that we males would be helplessly drawn to mate with bimbettes, thereby irreversibly and fatally diluting whatever knowledge we had attained, ultimately resulting in extinction...

Cosmic Connie said...

Well, all I can say is that it's a good thing the Rev is *not* an aficionado of cantaloupe-sized breasts, because if he were, we'd have a problem. :-)

And I quite honestly don't see how any guy could actually find the ladies in that pic even remotely attractive...but maybe it's like Ron said: guys make a big deal (so to speak) out of such things because they believe they're "supposed" to.

As for the women themselves, they're asking for a lifetime of implant-related health problems, if they don't have them already. My hope for them is that they'll save up those great tips they get from drunken gropers and invest in some really good health insurance.

Anonymous said...

I get your point Steve, but I like the look, even if those three gals in your photo are over the top. Why should I be criticized for what I like in a woman?

Mike Cane said...

>>>what I like in a woman?

Maybe they should have zippers so they can pull out the silicone bags for you to date?

RevRon's Rants said...

Anonymous - Women typically seek breast enhancement as a means to make themselves more attractive (presumably to men). When their efforts to appear more attractive result in the horrific and all-too-widespread medical problems that are caused by implants, it would only seem appropriate for men to reconsider the signals they send. I would think that if nothing else, consideration for a woman's physical well-being would have at least some bearing on what a man encourages women to do, even via subtle inferences.

Elizabeth said...

To the 5 pm Anon... Ah, never mind.

About the pic: Oh. My. God. Paging emergency surgical services STAT. If not now, then in a year or two. You're right, Connie.

As an aside: Unlike hip size, the size of female breasts has nothing to do with childbearing or nursing capacity (but definitely something with male ogling, no question).

(And O.M.G. again... Please, please, Steve, next time add a parental warning to your post -- for the sake of your more impressionable readers, OK? It'll take some of us a while to recover from this, er, experience. If this is what your stay in Vegas was like, you have my sympathy. It must have been a Booblight Zone. Which, apparently, some like. A lot. Oh well, there is no accounting for taste. :)

Steve Salerno said...

Yanno, Eliz, you're the second person to suggest a parental warning (the other was off-blog), which now has me wondering if the first such email (which I'd assumed was facetious) was meant in earnest.

Whaddya think, folks? Are such photos "inappropriate" for general blogging purposes?

Elizabeth said...

P.S. Cantaloupe...? Think a small planet.

And P.S.2. Of course these photos are fun! And blog-appropriate fun, especially to make a point (and this you did, m'dear, no question).

I was being facetious (though I must say the image will be etched in my mind now, whether I like it or not.)

RevRon's Rants said...

Eliz - Note that I said *appear* well-equipped .

Perception is everything, especially where the topic of this post is concerned! :-)

And Steve - We can see more er... striking stuff on the evening news magazines. Don't sweat the disclaimers.

Elizabeth said...

I know, Rev, but I needed to underscore this for the benefit of the young'ems who may harbor mistaken ideas on the subject.

Cosmic Connie said...

I wasn't at all offended or shocked by the pic, but I have to admit my first thought on seeing it was, "Hey, great Photoshopping job, Steve!"

But I'm assuming it's real...the picture, that is.

RevRon's Rants said...

LOL! Yes, dear. Guess it never occurred to me that a physiology lesson was a prerequisite to understanding my point. Thanks for clearing it up! :-)

Steve Salerno said...

Folks, Vegas trumps Photoshop (and I use the verb pointedly). You see things here--just walking down Las Vegas Boulevard, or coming out of a 7-Eleven--that outdo just about any reality-tweaking you could achieve while messing around with some photo-editing program after a night of heavy drinking.

Elizabeth said...

Have changed my mind, Steve. The photo is mesmerizing, especially after midnight, with the humidity reaching 90 percent, and drunk neighbors singing loudly some ungodly rock (I think) songs. These lovely ladies bring to mind a promise of the soon-to-come autumn with its ripe harvest, full moon, and pumpkins ready to parade during the county fair. Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

P.S. And fate agrees, apparently, choosing as my verif word voyerf...

Steven Sashen said...

I'll never forget an old episode of Sally Jesse Raphael that was about "Women who are tired of men staring at them in public."

Every woman on the show was either a stripper or dancer or porn star who had purchased her ginormous breasts.

The only thing funnier than the irony was how CLEARLY turned on Sally was.

Steve said...

The "I'm OK, You're Not OK" culture extends far beyond SHAMLand. Watch an hour's worth of TV--the marketing industry thrives on the message, "You're not OK unless you buy our product/service."

The COOL people have iPods. No iPod? You're just not cool enough.

The MANLY guys buy SUVs and drive them across unspoiled landscapes through the Rockies. No SUV? You're not Manly enough.

SHAMLand certainly reinforces this, and I wonder if the marketing culture opened the door for the SHAMmers to make this pitch work so well.

(I'm too young to remember much of the 70s, which is apparently when the self-help movement really came into its own.)

Mike Cane said...

>>>(I'm too young to remember much of the 70s, which is apparently when the self-help movement really came into its own.)

That's only the most recent manifestation.

Irony Alert! The Capcha for this Comment? I'm not lying! -- uadho

(I'm screensnapping this!)

Yekaterina said...

The women in that picture, they're standing in line trying to win a breast REDUCTION, right?

Steve said: perhaps it was God's plan that we males would be helplessly drawn to mate with bimbettes, thereby irreversibly and fatally diluting whatever knowledge we had attained.

Only dumb men are helplessly drawn to mate with bimbettes Steve, no knowledge to dilute there....I think we're safe.

Steve Salerno said...

Ykat: True dat.

Mike: That's hilarious. Note that Eliz also got an interesting verif word, earlier. Hmmm...could this be a sign of...harmonic convergence? "The Cleavage Effect"? Stay tuned....