Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Killing me softly with his dong?

WARNING: This post contains mature themes and content.* And I'm not kidding. If you don't want to risk being offended, don't read it.

So for a while I wasn't getting much X-rated spam
I have no idea why it stoppedand now it's back with a vengeanceand I have no idea why that's occurring, either. No, I don't surf porn. Seriously. Just never got into that, and as a writer, I'm always terrified of having my computer compromised by the viruses, home-page hijackers and other malware for which "adult sites" are so universally admired, even apart from the usual reasons. (Confession/disclaimer: For a while I was kinda fond of "Naked News," at least until they began charging for it. But that was mostly because the whole idea of a combined striptease-newscast was just so over-the-top hilarious.) Apropos of which, I think it's funny that evil software from these sites often arrives in the form of a "trojan."

(No, really. I don't surf porn.)

In particular I seem to be getting spam that wants to know if I'd like to "rip [my] woman wide open with [my] colossal d**I**c**K" or some such.** What's that about? I mean, yeah, I get it; I understand the nuance and the overtones. Men want to be (or at least think of themselves as) gargantuan, and marketing copy like this really drives home the point, so to speak. For the record, I've also concluded that, while
most gals will tell you "size doesn't matter as long as the guy knows how to use it," a fair number of women certainly like the idea of A Big One, though they may be less fond of the implementation component.

But "rip your woman wide open"?

Anyway, I've been paying closer attention lately, and I notice that a lot of sex-spam
more than half, in my judgmenthas this violent/sadistic twist. I've even gotten a few emails that invite me to "kill her" with the heft and/or girth of my "member." Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't that take some of the fun out of the experience? At least once you realized she was dead?***

I don't thin
k women get analogous spam. ("Crush your man's c**O**K**k down to nothingness with your surreally tight v**A**G**y**N**a!!" "Beat him insensate with the sheer mass of your swaying T&A&T&A&S!") I'd like to hear about it, though, ladies, if (a) you're still with us, and (b) you don't mind sharing. What kind of sex-spam do you get? Or is this primarily a male phenomenon?

Just had an amusing thought: Wouldn't this be the perfect topic for an Andy Rooney segment? Maybe his final show? Can you imagine? "Didya ever notice when you're ripping your woman wide open with your colossal dick, sometimes...."

* as well as immature themes and content.
** You probably realize this already, but they use the contrived spellings and unusual character separators in hopes of avoiding spam filters set to detect the customary words.
*** Again, I shouldn't have to keep saying this, but that's humor, people.

15 comments:

Noadi said...

No, we get the same spam you do. Spammers don't really filter out women's first names when they send out spam for penis enlargement. I get a good laugh when I venture into the spam folder and see the subject lines for a lot of the spam I get.

As for why your getting more sex related spam then usual, I think there's just a cyclical nature to spam. Sometimes more sex, sometimes more cheap pharmaceuticals, sometimes more Nigerian scams.

Steve Salerno said...

Noad: Wait a minute, wait a minute...Nigerian scams? You mean...I'm not going to be getting that $5,000,000US? And after I went through the trouble of sending that nice Mr. Lomumba, Personal Secretary to the King of Nawabii, all the information for my accounts, as well as that good-faith $5000 deposit?

Damn, I was counting on that money.

Anonymous said...

Clever title, Steve-o. I'm sure somewhere Roberta Flack is horrified. :-;

Debbie said...

I always love it when a blog post makes me laugh out loud. Thank you Steve. There's so much I could say about the whole 'ripping' thing, but...I try to be a lady. ;) I try.

Women get the exact same spam men do. Spammers do not take the time to make sure the marketing is reaching the "target audience". It's marketing-by-bombing.

Like Noadi, I too get a chuckle out of the subject lines of some of these. Makes for an interesting morning. Then the office IT guy updates the spam blocker and I have to wait a few months before the spammers find a way around the new software.

Elizabeth said...

I get sex spam, Steve, though for some reason less these days than I used to. Or maybe my Spam filter works more effectively and I don't see it anymore.

But I agree with Noadi, it's the same stuff: penile enlargement, mainly, followed by Viagra etc., and then occasionally some "hot Russian (teenage/next door/what-have-you) girl" promising me indescribable [pleasures]. Too bad. For them.

I have not seen the sadistic ones you mention, however. Thank goodness.

On the other hand, every day in my Inbox there is a heartfelt letter or two starting with "My Dearest/Beloved Friend/Brother/Sister in God..." followed by a description of unimaginable calamities that befell the writer, who, by the way, lives (but just barely) very far away, is insanely rich and only too happy to share his/her riches with me upon his/her imminent death if I send a small processing fee to the account number enclosed below. I keep my Kleenex handy for those (tea spit stains can be hard to remove if not blotted immediately).

RevRon's Rants said...

Hi Steve,
I would have responded earlier, but there's so much porn, so little time... :-)

The funniest spam I've ever gotten was the one that promised I'd be able to "knock down walls with my massive schlong..." Now, even when I was doing construction work some years ago, it would never have occurred to me to use that part of my anatomy in the demolition phase of my projects. Kinda makes me wonder if the current generation has discovered some strange new sexual practice about which I'm (blissfully) ignorant.

I get my share of spam, but more of the "Dear Brother in Christ" stuff from the beleaguered Nigerian widows. Outlook 2007's junk mail feature catches virtually all of them. Second most prevalent are the invitations to enter books in this or that literary contest or to display my books at the (fill in the blank) Book Expo. Not nearly as amusing as the wall-smashing pitches or the entreaties to allow my sisters in Christ to make me wealthy, but they are persistent... Still make it to the junk mail bin, though.

a formerly devoted reader said...

It's almost like you're trying each time to beat your previous record for poor taste, Steve. If there was a subscription to Shamblog I would cancel it.

Steve Salerno said...

Previously Devoted: But I specifically warned you! Why didn't you just skip this one and wait for the next?

I guess you figured--by your logic--that the next one would be even worse, right?

Well, sorry to see you go.

Jenny said...

Well, surely "formerly devoted" will at least return to see how you responded to his or her desire to unsubscribe to SHAMblog.

When I saw the headline, it occurred to me you might have done a movie review of Watchmen. But it's not really a new movie anymore. Conversations about the Big Blue One are still out there, though.

Henriette said...

My spam is in Spanish and I don't know why. I just get the spam for Viagra and how to make my business grow. Unless by business they mean penis, I don't think it's porn spam.

rodjohns said...

So you're getting SPAM comments rip for deleting or SPAM email? I've been getting an ENORMOUS amount of SPAM for cheap Viagra. Like I need it.

Funny thing, though. And this seques away, but remains apropos to your post. When my dad helped design a new SONAR system for the Navy, it's nickname was the "Big Johnson."

The marketing slogan was "Probe Deeper with a Big Johnson."

Steve Salerno said...

RJ: Yeah, they make tee-shirts for the lawn-equipment manufacturer (Johnson) along the same lines: "To whack a nice bush, you need a big Johnson," etc.

Anonymous said...

From the female perspective, the size debate is null. It's a clitoris, not a vagina, that's the source of orgasmic pleasure for an overwhelming majority of women. (Yes, guys, take note.) The size of a man's penis has not much, if anything, to do with clitoral stimulation, so who cares? (Other than the insecure men.)

Dimension Skipper said...

Harkening back to the long ago topic of Amazon customer reviews:
 
Snarky Amazon Reviews Send T-Shirt's Sales To The TopBy Mike Musgrove in The Washington Post 
Within that article is a link to the T-shirt's Amazon page, of course, and clicking to that led me to see further links for "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed...", one of which is this book:
 
How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much (Paperback) 
From there I see Corkscrew Bill, Nutcracker Hillary, and Chia Obama Handmade Decorative Planter, Determined Pose.
 
I could probably keep Amazoning all night that way if I wanted. But I'm thinking I should probably just order the T-shirt and the penis book and leave well enough alone.
 
;-)

Elizabeth said...

"leave well enough alone"

OMG (pun intended). This is hilarious, DimSkip. Especially the readers' reviews of the huge penis advice book. I'm still laughing MAO. What makes it extra special is that one of the authors is a Catholic priest(!). What's the world coming to... :)