Sunday, July 15, 2012


Consider this a "best of," if you will. I'm re-posting it not simply because I'm too lazy to write something new—that will come soon (for those who care)but because we've acquired some new admirers of late. For whatever reason I seem to be getting more of this type of spam again, so I figured I'd revisit the topic.
WARNING: This post contains mature themes and content.* And I'm not kidding. If you don't want to risk being offended, don't read it.

So for a while I wasn't getting much X-rated spam
I have no idea why it stoppedand now it's back with a vengeanceand I have no idea why that's occurring, either. No, I don't surf porn. Seriously. Just never got into that, and as a writer, I'm always terrified of having my computer compromised by the viruses, home-page hijackers and other malware for which "adult sites" are so universally admired, even apart from the usual reasons. (Confession/disclaimer: For a while I was kinda fond of "Naked News," at least until they began charging for it. But that was mostly because the whole idea of a combined striptease-newscast was just so over-the-top hilarious.) Apropos of which, I think it's funny that evil software from these sites often arrives in the form of a "trojan."

(No, really. I don't surf porn.)

In particular I seem to be getting spam that wants to know if I'd like to "rip [my] woman wide open with [my] colossal d**I**c**K" or some such.** What's that about? I mean, yeah, I get it; I understand the nuance and the overtones. Men want to be (or at least think of themselves as) gargantuan, and marketing copy like this really drives home the point, so to speak. For the record, I've also concluded that, while
most gals will tell you "size doesn't matter as long as the guy knows how to use it," a fair number of women certainly like the idea of A Big One, though they may be less fond of the implementation component.

But "rip your woman wide open"?

Anyway, I've been paying closer attention lately, and I notice that a lot of sex-spam
more than half, in my judgmenthas this violent/sadistic twist. I've even gotten a few emails that invite me to "kill her" with the heft and/or girth of my "member." Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't that take some of the fun out of the experience? At least once you realized she was dead?***

I don't thin
k women get analogous spam. ("Crush your man's c**O**K**k down to nothingness with your surreally tight v**A**G**y**N**a!!" "Beat him insensate with the sheer mass of your swaying T&A&T&A&S!") I'd like to hear about it, though, ladies, if (a) you're still with us, and (b) you don't mind sharing. What kind of sex-spam do you get? Or is this primarily a male phenomenon?

Just had an amusing thought: Wouldn't this be the perfect topic for an Andy Rooney segment? Can you imagine? "Didya ever notice when you're ripping your woman wide open with your colossal dick, sometimes...."  

* as well as immature themes and content.
** You probably realize this already, but they use the contrived spellings and unusual character separators in hopes of avoiding spam filters set to detect the customary words.
*** Again, I shouldn't have to keep saying this, but that's humor, people.


Someone said...

What is this "female" spam of which you speak? My experience has been that they either assume I am a man and try to sell me v1@gr@ accordingly, or else they assume that as a woman I want my man to "rip me wide open with his colossal d**I**c**K" and will therefore, I dunno, buy it for him or at least forward the email.

Gawd. I just realized that even my spam is sexist.

a/good/lysstener said...

You've censored me for saying things like this before, but I don't think I'm out of line in stating that the idea of being filled, stretched to the limit is very much a tantalizing part of the female sexual narrative, even if no woman would want in fact to be "torn open."

Also I must say I think you're a little arbitrary and unfair in deleting some of my sex-related remarks and then posting items like this. But you probably won't publish my comment this time either.

Steve Salerno said...

Alyssa, if we're discussing sexual subjects, I would expect a comment with sexual content. What's offputting about some of your comments (not just to me, but to others on the blog) is the constant sexual subtext even when we're discussing, say, airplane engines. (And now someone's gonna be cute and send through a comment involving the word "thrust.") But you get my drift. You're a comely young woman--that is beyond dispute--and it's clear from your profile pic that you also enjoy being a girl, as the old show tune puts it. Fine. I just happen to know from past interactions that you have a good brain beneath those looks, and you might spend more time letting people see that as well. Sorry if I seem harsh. Just calling it as I see it.

Henriette said...

Oh man! You took away the thunder of my cockpit joke!

I am a woman (last time I checked) with the same sex spam. I get ads for "enlarging my member." I also get the fake girls emailing me that I'm "cute" and wanting to
"talk" to me.

For the record, I don't want to be "torn" apart or "stretched to the limit." I don't think Alyssa has given birth vaginally yet. Time enough to be "stretched to the limit."

Anonymous said...

This is a fun enough topic I guess but last time I checked there were still plenty of self-help scams out there and there is also a new IM wrinkle each week, as Droid's excellent blog shows.

Did you run out of inspiration or dedication adn just decide to fall back on dick jokes?

Steve Salerno said...

Salty, is that you? Just kidding, man (or woman). Point taken. More serious SHAmbloggery coming soon...

a/good/lysstener said...

Steve, what a thoroughly insulting thing to say to me, and to women as a class I would think. Maybe I've tried to be playful but I don't think I've overstepped. You and Ron have bantered back and forth with some pretty silly humor yourselves.

Cosmic Connie said...

Okay, now, everybody kiss and make up. On second thought, better make that "shake hands and make up." Just make up, because we've got some celebratin' to do. Today, July 17, SHAMblog turns 7 years old. Happy Blogaversary, Steve! And don't be surprised if you get some other anny wishes, because I announced it on Facebook too. Thank you again for inspiring me to start blogging. I look forward to reading a lot more SHAMblog in the years to come.

Steve Salerno said...

Connie, thank you so much! I had completely forgotten about that. (Typical man, huh: forgets his anniversary.)

I guess I'd better get back to business here.

Steve Salerno said...

And Connie...thank you so much for your advice and encouragement through the years. (Wait...that's starting to sound like self-help lingo... Next I'll thank you for keeping me "positive"...)

Same goes for ol' Ron.

RevRon's Rants said...

Steve, if you aren't insulting *somebody,* you probably aren't saying anything worth hearing. I know you've insulted me before, but at least you were willing and able to explain the statements that were insulting, typically to the point where the "insult" was based in my own perspective, rather than in the ideas behind your statements.

Alyssa, I think you've missed the point altogether. Your attempts at appearing seductive are not quite as subtle as you might have thought or wished, and while you are attractive enough to render those efforts titillating to some, I think that many readers would find such a recurring theme to be more distracting than entertaining or enlightening. As Steve noted, you can do better.

Steve Salerno said...

Ron: "Subtle"...?

Jenny said...

It's difficult if not impossible to go through life and avoid being judged and occasionally censored. Taking it all in stride isn't easy and yet that's what's required. Alyssa, I enjoy your perspective and hope you will continue sharing with us. I agree with Ron about the nature of insults. The fact that you somehow offended Steve with a suggestive comment could actually be construed as a badge of honor!

Steve, I receive the kind of spam you mention directed toward males and females. For example, I've been stalked by MILFs and I've been pegged as one. As my mother would say, it's six of one and a half dozen of the other. :)

Steve Salerno said...

Jenny, again, at the risk of perpetrating the very glibness I sometimes decry (and also being offensive in that particularly male-pig way), I hear in some quarters that it's considered a badge of honor to be labeled a MILF.

But stalked by...?

Mary Anne said...

I got a question? It is kind of on the same idea of the porn spam. It's the kind of spam, as a woman, I get quite a lot of: finding my "soulmate." How come you haven't done a blog about that craze? It has all the same players, Chicken Soup for Whatever, etc.

The big queen is Arielle Ford. She sends me stuff on a regular basis. She charges about $200 for her "Soulmate Series." As a woman, I guess I need a soulmate more than a larger penis. This stuff is really marketed to women. They have "groups" for about $20 a month where you can get "support" from their "love" coaches.

Love seems to be a huge money maker for these huskers, some who are on their fifth and seventh marriages. I guess the previous "soulmates" where just appetizers for the main course.

The funniest one is Katherine Woodward Thomas, who wrote a whole book about finding her "one" to later divorce him! She then wrote another book about how to find another "one." I thought that was the funniest email I ever got.

Don't let me get started on Rory Raye and Chris Carter about how to shape yourself into a pretzel to land a man either. When I read their fake emails, my stomach curls. I really thought I was in the 21st century. I guess not.

Love to hear your take on this stuff Steve. I don't see much out there about these shams either.

Steve Salerno said...

Good (bad?) stuff, Mary Anne. I will have to look into this. Certainly finding a true soul-mate beats being ripped apart, I would think...

Mary Anne said...

Well, good versus bad is relative. It's "good" for lining the pockets of the sellers, but seems pretty "bad" for the soulmate seekers. There was one guy who's been looking for years. I felt really bad for him. I would have just brought a foreign bride by now.

At least if you are getting "ripped apart" you have the memory. From what I can tell of this soulmate stuff, all you get is the fantasy of your "one true love."

I'm surprised you, Connie, or the Salty Droid have not exposed these shams.