Friday, August 29, 2014

Anti-date rape kit for the modern male.

To be clear, when I say for the modern male, I don't mean that this kit is intended to prevent men from being raped...although remember, Feminist Nation holds that a person must give explicit consent for sex to be legit (and California now agrees), so surely somewhere at this very moment a man is accommodating an amorous partner without ever specifically forming the word, "Yes."... (However, one or both of them may repeat that word vigorously a few moments hence.) More seriously, the following is intended to protect a man from accusations of date rape; with the new semester upon us, it is must reading for every Joe College. I actually recommend that all guys carry these items at all times... If only they could fit in your wallet alongside that four-year-old, slowly biodegrading lambskin condom.

Breathalyzer, for her. If she blows over .08, watch out; you're in the danger zone. For as we know, a man is responsible for ensuring that a woman is fully capable of rendering a sober-minded consent. If she drunkenly climbs into her car and careens off to wreak vehicular mayhem, that's on her...but if she climbs into your bed, it's your problem, pally.




For added legitimacy, consider having a cop handy to administer the test; just remember that some gals are suckers for a man in uniform. She may end up in his patrol car, not your bed.




 


Joint Venture agreement. Spells out each party's sexual responsibilities and stipulates compensation, if any. (That could be a separate crime, of course, except in Nevada.) May be of some use in defending a charge of "rape by fraud/deception," a relatively new sex-crime construct that labels as rape scenarios in which a woman was told a material lie (e.g. "My wife and I haven't slept together in years"/"I swear I've never done it with a guy," "I picked you up in the Pinto 'cause my Jag's in the shop") in prelude to a sexual encounter.

Memorandum of Penetration.
This eliminates the troublesome he-said/she-said that sometimes takes place in the aftermath of spontaneous sex. No more worries about buyer's remorse on her part. If nothing else, the agreement proves that she invited you in, at least initially.






Notary, to affirm the foregoing documents.
I grant you that with both a cop and a notary in attendance, the mood may suffer. But these are requisite steps in today's ever-contentious sexual climate.

Digital tape recorder. I have no prurient aims in mind here...and if you do, remember that the laws against revenge porn get steadily tougher. It's just that women reserve the right to revoke consent at any point in the proceedings; even if she says it when you're within sight of the finish line, you must stop or it's every bit as much a rape as if you forced yourself on her at the outset. So keep a recording device handy to document that the liaison remained consensual from beginning to end. 









Finally, under the heading "If all else fails", make sure this number is programmed into your speed-dial:
407-898-5151
It's the direct line for elite defense attorney and frequent CNN guest commentator Mark O'Mara. He got George Zimmerman off, he can probably help you.


1 comment:

RevRon's Rants said...

Steve, after reading this post, I have to say, "Hyperbole, thy name is Salerno!"

That said, I have to assume that you're going to extremes to make a point - extremes that you probably recognize as such.

If a guy was truly concerned about the potential for being accused of rape, his wisest choice would be to walk away and find someone who didn't raise those concerns. And if the danger is as universal as you seem to imply, he could take much less complicated measures to protect himself. For example, he could have a friend discretely photograph him handing his prospective accuser a $20 bill at the beginning of the date. If all goes well, and there are no subsequent accusations, the photograph could be deleted. If, however, the woman did accuse him, he could produce the time-stamped photograph as evidence that the "relationship" was one of commerce. And we all know how a defense attorney would handle that. An absurd and cynical practice, to be sure, but no more cynical or absurd than what you suggest here.

Bottom line is that I think it very sad - and illogical - to allow a minuscule minority of sociopathic opportunists to so dramatically distort one's view of and actions toward women in general. In your current situation, I can somewhat understand your reaction, but I trust that as time passes and the sting of your having been mistreated diminishes, so too will the hyperbole.